Rigid.

It has been such a long time since I felt like blogging. Mainly because, I don't know what to talk about.
For one, I'd like to think that my life is going the way I planned. But it's not.
Secondly, I know that when I want something, I want it now, and there's no negotiation. And the thing about wanting to pursue dreams is that, we need patience. 
Another thing I lack.

I have wanted to be a clinical psychologist ever since I first tried it out as a lowly intern. And I believe I have what it takes to be one. I suppose the university professors think otherwise because I've been rejected from almost every university I've applied to. You have no idea how demotivated I feel right now, because I am not used to being rejected or thought unworthy of something. If I want something, I always made sure I'm good enough to get it. Clearly not.


It makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I was not educated in Australia, per se. That my degree was from a local, albeit private Malaysian university is unfortunately, not at par with the Australian standards. But what about the accreditation from the Australian Psychological Society? Isn't that good enough for you?.. Or that I do hold a scroll from Lancaster University, as well? 


I do not regret pursuing a 'local' degree (from a Malaysian perspective), because I have experienced a life changing course, learned the skills needed to survive in this big, bad world, and have, made friends with not only my peers but with my educators. I believe that I would not be the way I am today, thinking and making judgments as I do, speaking as you see me do if it wasn't for what I have obtained if not by the piece of scrolled-up paper we call a degree, then by the teachings and exposure I was fortunate enough to experience.
 
In some ways or another, I believe that there are a series of events in the past that could only lead up to where I am standing right now, or rather, sitting, if you must (I don't really make it a habit to type standing). But I'd hate to admit that there is nothing I can do right now to change my circumstances.


I do not believe that only educational institutions dictate who is good enough and who isn't, for the very fact that these decisions of who is in and who is out were not made fairly. How is it decided who would be good enough to make your faculty proud? By assessing solely based on our exam results or rather, academic ratings? How is that fair when the educational system is so different,  thereby requiring students to study in different manners, depending on which part of the world you're in. In that case, I think it is fair to bring to mind that one person would definitely be better than others one way than the other. Some believe in MCQ's while the other institution does not even have a single MCQ, forcing the students to memorize all their textbooks and journals to regurgitate everything out again as whole essays. In the end, who is the judge that my A's are better than your A's? To which system owns this superiority?


All I am saying is, give the individual a chance to prove himself or herself worthy of what they want because everything is subjective. Why succumb to the vicious cycle of rigidness in a system that would only be the end of us. 


Why all this rigidity?


Xx. 

Burn, Fats, BURN !!

In anticipation of spring/summer and being able to show off some skin, I've been trying to shed some weight- you know, the ones I've gained over the past year, from being in a comfortable but yet super-exciting relationship with the boyf and from my working days as a lecturer. 


For over a month now I've been going to the gym diligently, if not 3 times then 4 times a week. Here's how I've worked it out.

1. Walk to gym - 10 minutes
2. Jogging/running on the treadmill for at least 25 minutes.
3. Cycling for another 20 minutes or so, give or take.
4. Those complicated machines thingamabob for abs (and I started on thigh muscles this week).
5. Lifting 2.5 kg weights (at least 2 sets of biceps, triceps and dunno what else the boyf concocted, 20 times each set).
6. Crunches and leg-lifts (at least 50 each, started to reach 100 this week).
7.  Walk home - 10 minutes

In terms of diet, I've been watching my food intake - practically stopped snacking, binge-eating, and all that junk food. I try to eat as little carbs and more protein (i.e. minimal rice/potatoes/bread, etc.. and more meat/fish/seafood/etc..) I've been cooking lately, just so I can try to put less oil and salt and thingamabobs in my food. Barely fry food anymore, because I've discovered the wonders of ovens and grills. Whenever I'm peckish, I either drink my yummy low-fat soy milk, a glass of bovril or miso soup, or yoghurt. Sometimes I treat myself to oats. And when I really, really, really want to treat myself; an occasional bite of beef jerky, a small bite of chocolate (the last time I bought Tim Tams, I had to throw the last 3 pieces away because it took me THAT long to finish the whole packet), or some cheese (oh, how i love Jarlsberg and Swiss).. For breakfast, I have cereal, up & go, or a meal-replacement protein shake. I only have 1 light meal a day. Then, I have something light for dinner, prolly leftovers from lunch or a sandwich, but always in small amounts. 

With the advice of the sister (who has tried this and succeeded in shedding kilos), I've been chewing my food for longer periods of time and eating at a slower pace than I usually do.

I think I've got the math settled what with the workouts and diet.

Now, will someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong because the scale is indicating that I am indeed, putting on weight !!!?

It is really disheartening okay!

Okay, admittedly I slacked a little last week when we spent the whole week back in Tasmania.. Barely exercised BUT I did control my food intake. In addition, there's nothing but healthy food in that pantry anyway. How could I have possibly gained weight, eating nothing but "low fat" and "non fat" food!!? Plus, I have prove that what I ate in Tassie was way healthier than what my very own cooking - my lack of indigestion and increase in bowel movements only show that I've been eating nothing but healthy foods ok!

Something is terribly wrong with me, and I really need to get to the bottom of this.

And don't you even dare start telling me to consider about my hormones. After my previous cycle, I only dropped 0.4 kg !! A miserable ZERO POINT FOUR KG!!

In the old days, I go on a diet for 2 days and I lose 1 whole kilo. Go on a diet for a whole week and it's a guarantee that I lose at least 2 kilos. Sigh. Australia, what have you done to me!!?

And just this once 

allow me to sign out with a silent and miserable whimper,

Xx.