Friday, June 19, 2009

The Necessary Evil

I have been having some time to think things over lately.
Well, I've always had the time,
but really, I've been putting more time into thinking about life as itself lately.

One of the things that really disturbs me is how people grow further apart.
For various reasons, of course.
These reasons, (to be really crude or just plain honest about it) are really excuses.
Distances, time differences, etc..
Hey, with technology these days, there are really so many ways to to keep in touch and still maintain that strong relationship with a friend or even family members.

Then again, everyone is guilty of this someway or another.
Yours truly included.

But my point is really about how people change overtime.
I suppose it boils down to priorities.
What matters in one's life may not really change,
but the urgency of that matter may have been altered and somehow,
this would affect one's relationship with the people around them.

I should know.
I've done it before.
Been there, done that!
Fortunately for me, my bestfriend pulled me back into the circle before it got too out of hand.
It's really not that big a deal, except that what seems to matter then was not as important as I thought it was.
I know that I'm losing sense, but bear with me.
I really do have a point.

Have you ever felt as if you're losing interest in things that used to be so important?
Sure you have.
Why? Because priorities change.

And when you do lose interest in certain pursues, do you feel as if you're giving up (to a certain extent) a part of this relationship you had with the people who share these interests?
I believe so.
Why? Because you're growing apart.
Your common ground has been tempered with.

So after a while, these people just don't bother to call anymore.
Which is fine.
But still, it does sting when the reality that you no longer have much in common with the people you once cared for or loved hits you.

Yeah, so it happens to everyone.
But it's a shame when you lose a good friend in the process of growing up.
I should know how that feels.
I do.

Another personal experience would be that as time passes by,
I feel much more like the person that people expected me to be.
The people who really matters and truly cared for me.
Surely, I know that now.
But at that time, these expectations seemed so ridiculous.
But I've had time to taste all that I needed to taste in order to be the person that I am today.
So, there.
Then necessary evil.

Time is a factor.
But time also became a hindrance because,
this experience of tasting life in order to grow and mature came too late.
And because of that,
I've lost one or two who really mattered to me.
Literally lost them in the midst of my growing up.
In fact, I should be so brave to say that they still matter to me.

So, in a way I feel as if time has played a joke on me.
I have lost those who truly matters in pursue of this temporary need to satisfy my hunger,
necessary of course, because it made me who I am today.
As this hunger has been fed, I no longer feel the need to feed on these pursues.
This would result in me being the person I am Now. Today. This moment. Period.
And the Mystery of Life lives up to its name again because at this very moment,
I am the person who I should have been before I lost these people.

At the end of the day, I have made a circle.
Went round and came back the person that I was suppose to be in the past.
But it came too late.

It's miserable.
But I'm working on making my peace with that mystery.

the Necessary Evil strikes.
Be careful people;
be watchful of the person you are turning out to be.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

It's time to get over the Banana phase.

I am a Banana, so say the rest of my Chinese comrades.

No, they aren't really referring to the fruit, per say.
It's just an analogy.
A bad one, one might add.

I'm a Chinese.
But, I cannot speak Chinese properly to save my life.
Mandarin, to be exact.
Really, the pronunciation is tougher than it sounds!
And no matter how hard try, I still say it out of tune.

But my point is, should it matter how I say it as long as the person I'm speaking to understands what it is that I am trying to tell him or her?
Why the fuss?
I am trying the best that I can, it's just not possible for me to pronounce the word accurately.
But more than that, I think pride comes into place.
The dignity of being able to speak properly.

So, back to the banana.
The colour of my skin is "yellow", so to speak.
Yet, I'm "white" inside because I cannot speak (or sometimes even understand) Chinese.
Hence, the analogy.

In my defense, I would like to state that I am not the only one of my kind.
As much as I like to stand out and be different,
this is the one time that I'm happy to be "one of them" (bananas!).

But I would have you all know, that I am trying my best.
As some of you already know, I have been trying to improve the language.
For months now.
Last year, we (my lecturers, supervisors, and juniors) formed a small group.
And we were not allowed to speak English with one another,
when it comes to informal businesses, of course.
It was totally fun!
And now that I have finally learned the trick to this Pinyin function on my phone,
I'm totally addicted to sending nonsense text messages to those who are Chinese literate.
If I have said anything offensive, I'm sorry people!

I'll have you all know that I recently sent a text to a friend calling him a "sex maniac".
Apparently. Grin.
I really meant to ask "What are you doing?".
I suppose the both of us ended up having a good laugh over that.

But in my personal opinion,
for a person whose mother tongue is English,
it is not an easy task trying to speak Chinese fluently.
Even with my strong Hokkien and pretty okay Cantonese background;
It ain't easy!

In retrospect, I'd have to be more lenient towards those who do not have a strong,
or even a mediocre command of the English language.
Of course, I'm referring to those who were from Chinese Ed backgrounds.
I have always thought that it is a shame when one can't understand or speak the language.
How will they communicate with the rest of the world?
Honestly, it is an embarrassment when I hear others speaking in broken language,
especially to those who are visiting our country.
Wouldn't you think that this communication barrier is giving a bad impression of us as Malaysians?
Understandably, there are people who do not realize that most of us can speak proper English.
Ignorance, I say.
But still.
Why should we give a bad impression to those who are already here?

I've met people who'd compliment me on my ability to speak English after knowing that I'm from Malaysia.
I was like "Whhaat?"
Malaysians can speak English too!
And some of them are damn good at it!

Therefore, I stand firm in my opinion that these people should at least try to improve on their English
as it IS the International Language of the world we live in!
Think about it on a global scale.
I do agree that Mandarin is one of the most widely spoken language.
But I don't suppose all of those who are weak in English speak good Mandarin.
No. I suppose not.
In that case, it is about time that those who speak in dialects try to improve on their English.
After all, I am making an effort to learn Chinese.

Am getting a little help lately too!


Saturday, June 13, 2009

Where does the time Go?


My friend opened a cafe!

I never once thought I'd have anyone who'd invest in a business at such an early stage in life.
Guess I must have been spoiled my whole life (Thanks mom and dad, if either one of you is reading this!),
that the idea of investing into something would sound preposterous, let alone the very act of it.

It's funny how time passes you by and before you realise it, you're an adult.
The old days in school are long gone, even though it feels like as if you left school yesterday.

I met my lecturer when I was back in my Pre-U days in Taylor's College
(now called Taylor's University College, mind you!).
When I went up to her, she couldn't even remember me;
(At this point, I have only left 3.5 years ago!).
Anyway, all is good, can't really blame her, she's got gazillions of students each year.
Funnily though, she remembered my class rep (good for you, Oliver!).
But my point is,
where does the time go?

Has it all been wasted on nothingness?
Have I really done any good to anyone at all?
Let's not even go to the point of society at large.

I mean, there has really got to be a reason for us all to be here.
I believe so.
At some point or another, I think that we are all meant to do some good here on earth.
But the question is, when do we start doing good?
And how do we contribute to our respective societies (and for those who can do so eventually, to the whole world)?
There comes to a point in life where I believe you've got to leave a mark.
At least before you leave this earth, and move on to a (hopefully) better place called Heaven.

I suppose we all have our flaws.
And we've got our entire youth to correct them, if not to remove our flaws.
All the partying and good times, I believe are essential for us to grow up.
But at which point does it stop?
And when should one start reflecting that his life should not just be on his own terms per say,
but that he or she should start working together with society to make our world a better place?

When, may I ask is the perfect time to really sit down and think about where we'd really like our lives to be?
Where do we head from here?
How do we decide that it is time to take a turn?
When do we grow up?
Where is the Crossroad?!!

I certainly would not want it to be on my deathbed.

So, here is where I take a break.
My life as a child will never end.
My youth with all the never-ending partying and crazy times, will never leave me.
I am still not willing to give that up.
But I'd like to take break.
Make that sacrifice and grow up.
Reflect on my life.
And make the necessary changes in my life.
So that I can make a difference in someone else's life.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Out of sight, out of mind.

Does that phrase really have a literally meaning linked to it?
I seriously doubt so.
Even if it is so, I believe that it's only momentary that a certain something can leave your mind, when it is out of your sight. A brief time.
This perhaps is especially true for things that truly mean something to us.

Could it be possible that the person who created this phrase really meant that we'll only forget after many moments have passed; months, years, centuries.

I suppose that I am not making sense at the moment.
But in my opinion, that phrase does not mean anything at all because there are many things that I do
remember or think about even when it is not in front of me.

Maybe it is just me. I may think more than others. Hence, I may have these things in my mind for longer periods of time.
But at the same time, is it possible to think that just because someone or something is not in front of you, you would not think of them? What about the brief moments where something just triggers your memory of them? Then, in that sense, this phrase would mean nothing at all.

In that case, then perhaps these "moments" where you don't think about these people or things, it could be justified by the fact that you're distracted by other things, more important or perhaps, much more urgent at that moment.

Then again, I can't say that I remember everyone and everything all the time. True. I am only human. But most things and people that make a lasting impression in my life would definitely appear to me in brief moments every day of my life. When it isn't a conscious act, know that you are in my mind unconsciously, even if it's just in my dreams.

I suppose that it does give a sort of feeling of disappointment or some other hurtful feelings when people know that they aren't remembered. I can't say the same for things because for obvious reasons, they can't feel (As if you didn't already know that). So.. the next time one asks you if you have forgotten about him/her, then saying "out of sigh, out of mind" does not really justify why you haven't called them out or even for a chat for ages. It'll prolly just make things worse.

I mean, how unimportant can one be to not be remembered!?

Attending to more urgent or important things are fair enough reasons.
Don't say you don't remember me because I am out of you sight. It hurts.
Because I remember you even if it's just in my dreams!
Talk about information overload.

My mind can't contain that much anymore, I need to find a place to leave my thoughts.
This totally reminds me of the Pensieve that Professor Dumbledore has in Harry Potter.
Grin. I'd really like one of those.

Here's one thing that will never leave my mind.
The more I am distressed, the longer it stays in my mind.
Simply love it.

I sooo need a beach house somewhere.. (Over the rainbow!).
From the sunset to the moon, stars, sky.
Gotta love it!
Can't pay me enough for it to leave my mind. Ever.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I put my pen down and learn to type.

So we all judge.
Big deal!

I have recently realised that we are all predisposed to stereotypes, and with that, we insist on judging people even from the first time we meet. A mere 20-second timeframe is enough too size someone up and that impression is stuck there for as long as possible, if not, forever. 

I have learned not to give much care to what others think of me. Except those who matter, of course. As a result of that, many don't really know me as I am. But if you take the time and bothered to care, you'd realise I'm not the person you supposedly think I am. Most of the time I shield myself behind this mask, to protect myself, maybe, I don't really know. The bottom line is that I'm often misunderstood. And I rarely give a crap about it. But I sure as hell know how it feels.

The purpose of this post, of course, has nothing to do with my being misunderstood. On the contrary, I'd like to express my two cents of how I have often mistunderstand others, whether friends or acquaintances. As for strangers, you can't really blame me. 

Judging isn't wrong. I think it's a natural process to protect ourselves from harm. But when it gets out of hand, it hurts people. I met a friend the other day, someone whom I have stereotyped for a long time.  Not that I thought he was a bad person, just a person different from the real him. At the same time, he never really expressed this part of him, and mostly just portrayed himself to be the person whom I (and most of the world) stereotyped him to be. Then, I realised that it's really my fault because I never really gave him a chance. I never took the time to know him better, or even to understand where is he coming from. There must be a reason for a person to choose not to portray himself as he is. I should know. I am one of them.

It got me thinking on a larger scale that, I have often misjudged others and because of that sometimes, a relationship (not just bgr, but even as friends or companions) cannot be formed. It's like a wall you build that causes no loss to anyone else but you. You lose that friendship, you lose that moment in your life when that person may actually help you be a better person in this world. 

I often admire those who are more honest about themselves and what they think. It's not that I'm a hypocrit, I just prefer to keep things to myself. Personal things about me and my thoughts about the world. 

This is about to change, with this blog, I hope. I need to express myself, and here's where I begin.